Joel Wayne

Joel Wayne is a writer from Boise, Idaho. Below you'll find some of his featured work and unfinished business.

The Pith Report: Ex-Boyfriend Missed For All the Wrong Reasons

In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first job in advertising. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.

Ex-Boyfriend Missed For All the Wrong Reasons

SURPRISE, AZ – After breaking up with him in March, Denise Van Patton has continually missed her ex-boyfriend for all the wrong reasons, friends and family reported Thursday. Since their contentious dissolution, which appeared to be at least partially mutual in nature, Van Patton has found herself frequently longing for the quirks and wiles of Mark Dutton, the ex-boyfriend she once called ’shallow’ and ‘immature’. “He used to drink too much and get all cuddly,” Van Patton told a friend recently, “then he’d pass out and I had to help him into bed. It was precious.” Nearly everyone in contact with Van Patton has been treated to multiple displays of reminiscence over Dutton’s departure. “[Mark] was really competitive,” Van Patton told her sister, “one time he got so pissed off when I beat him at MarioKart. He didn’t talk to me for, like, two days.” Added Van Patton: “I miss him.” Van Patton’s friends plan to dump enough margaritas down her throat this Friday to make her pass out and shut up about Dutton.