The Pith Report: Spice Rack Industry Experiences First-ever Decline
In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first job in advertising. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.
Spice Rack Industry Experiences First-ever Decline
NEW YORK, NY – Sparking a small panic across Wall Street, the prodigious spice rack industry posted its first-ever decline Friday. Typically rock-solid, the spice and herb rack market has historically weathered the ebb and flow of the economy with small, steady gains, leading experts to list it alongside mutual funds and Roth IRAs in terms of stability. “It’s an anomaly we’ve always referred to as the perfect blue collar stock,” said market analyst Doug Gosselin, “it won’t make you rich, and people forget about it and often take it for granted…but it’s always been dependable. Losing that stability is a massive blow to the market.” Stockbrokers and industry experts have speculated on the reason for the decline, including a new trend of freshly-bought spices and the growing popularity of personal herb gardens and window boxes. “People just aren’t buying their seasonings in bulk at Target and Fred Meyer anymore,” said stockbroker Sheila Lange, “and while that may not mean anything to the average Jane or Joe, it’s scaring the shit out of investors.” The startling news follows the recent collapse of the banana holder market, which was discovered to be bankrupt in March.