Joel Wayne

Writer, director, and editor living in Boise, ID.

The Pith Report: U.S. Government Quietly Switches to Czar-based Oligarchy

In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first job in advertising. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.


U.S. Government Quietly Switches to Czar-based Oligarchy

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that surprised many political experts and analysts, the United States government quietly transformed into an oligarchy run by multiple czars late last night. In a matter of hours, the 221-year-old, three-branch democracy was swiftly replaced by an oligarchy with shared power among multiple czars, a system which has historically birthed tyrannical power struggles. “It’s really not that different,” insisted White House Communication Czar Robert Gibbs, “Supreme Czar Obama still has the support of Foreign Appeasement Czar Hillary Clinton, War Czar Robert Gates, Oil Czar Steven Chu, and Youth Propaganda Czar Arne Duncan, among others.” Gibbs went on to explain the similar role of Representative and Senatorial Czars, who will still “represent” their home states, though their influence will be heretofore determined by wealth, status, and family legacy. “It’ll definitely keep us on our toes a bit more,” Gibbs admitted, “I, for one, am keeping an eye on the White House Administrative Assistant Czar. That little bastard has been itching to overthrow me for weeks now.”